There's always a smile on face but inside heart nobody knows

Friday, July 29, 2011

just a story......

I don’t want write this and I don’t want remember this moment because it’s was painful and suffer for me. But if I’m not write this people will never know what I felt, what I’ suffer n what I want in my life. Something complicated and difficult for me.

I know when 1st time I tell everyone I wanna go to hospital for teeth surgery. Everyone laughing, cheeky smile but they never know how painful it is.

Its was suddenly happen when I got call on Monday evening, the operator asking me if I can check in for hospital’s ward on Tuesday anytime. Of course I’m surprised and scared to. When I think about waiting my next turn..its will take long time. With government hospital u can’t easily deal with them. Its not like private hospital..u got money and u can do anytime u want. So I’m poor, that’s why I choose government hospital….a bit slow n the quality still there. At same time I don’t want do surgery at fasting month. Its might difficult also.

I just yes to the hospital’s operator, which is I will come tomorrow. i went to dental for check up 1st. to make sure I’m 100% healthy. That’s time my body shaking because I’m too scared n my feeling is mixed up. I don’t have anyone in kl to look after me. My family stay far, all my friend left kl already, my officemate busy with work..lover? of course I don’t have. So with who I need to ask help? Its already painful n I cry on the table at office…but I think positive n make myself strong. My mind start to manage well what should I least I’m not make others get prblm when I’m not at office and also at home.

1st thing I do is…. I printed out my teeth’s x-ray and I meet my boss 1st, because we running important project now. I was nervous and scare because we really in urgent time. I took time b4 I meet my bos..i talked with admin and account..if the boss can accept or not. I’m lucky I hav teeth x-ray….i stole it from my dentist with my phone.i met my boss and show the x-ray to him. At 1st time he surprised because he said I have good smile n with good teeth. He never know I’ll do surgery. Then I explain from A-Z, he accepted it. The funny thing is..he wanna see my teeth, so I just open my mouth. He said is ok..just pass what ever I’m doing to someone b4 I leaving. I’m lucky I was done my entire job at the morning. So its not prblm to me.

At least I have little hope or support for my surgery, because its took 3 or 4 day..medical leave. I called my sister because I need to inform her about my surgery also need to borrow her some money in case I need to pay extra. Then I remembered I’m lucky because I have saving to go paris…and again I’m using that money . so bad..what can I do……at least I’m not think bad about no money. Then I call others sister and mother. My mother laughing because she know I’m scared.yeah

The last day I’m at office…its was difficult for me to leaving office because that’s the last day I’m with old teeth..who know if I’m not go to office anymore….. i need to write some email for some friend and write something in facebook. My computer at home not so good. Just spent couple hour to inform friend…I’m gonna be at hospital few days.

I have last meal red meat fried rice that night and just go home. Supposedly I have date…..but seem its not works. So at home..packing some stuff but can’t sleep. I’m confuse need to bring some clothes or not because it’s different between gov and private hospital. U need to know rules. So I just bring some extra clothes.

On Tuesday, I went to dental department and meet my doctor, she smiling at me and took my blood for test .write a letter to hospital and I check in to ward 13. was funny because I’m look healthy but still enter the ward.the nurse just register my name and my bed is 28. lucky because my bed is just near the windows and I got KL tower scene.

The nurse wanna me change my clothes…..what? like prisoner. Hahha I told her..give me a minute I wanna buy some mineral bottle and news paper. She said ok..but not run from hospital. Hahha so funny. So I got 2 newspaper and one small mineral bottle. Changed my clothes, wearing my hospital’s name tag..its mean I can’t easily leave prisoner. Then I start my routine like as a patient.bored, pressure and sad also because u can see some people sick and painful too.

I just start reading my 2 newspaper until finish..still bored and I start wish I hav iphone. Hahha. At least I can read some news and on facebook. Then the “bius/dose doctor” calls my name to explain the procedure in operation. She asking me to give signature for everything in hospital like…they will give medicine for me to sleep, put wire in nose cross mouth to chest….breathing with machine. I was surprised and I never thought like that. I can’t step back because I’m in hospital already. So I just agree.its was scared for me. I don’t know with who I should share..make me a bit sad..really. I wanna cry but I just stop it.

The hospital gave me lunch…..although its simple but I love evening around 5pm until 7pm…..i start in pressure because it’s visiting hour. Some patient’s family comes over bring some food and visit them. I just sit on bed n watching. And I realize my tears moved. It’s was hard time for me. I moved my face to others side..crying n send sms to some friend. I’m still remembering I’m say sorry I share my sadness although they stay far. Then I got positive message. At least make me happy. Then the hospital gave us bread and tea at evening.

After taking bread..the nurse said…she wanna put needle in my hand because in surgery I might need extra blood or water. Wow oh my god so painful can’t move ur hand easily. I’m cry also because nobody can help u at this time. Then I took dinner around 6pm, tuesday. That’s the last food I taken until Thursday morning.the hospital wanna me fasting from 12am until my surgery. No water n no food. Its mean I only eat or drink b4 12midnite. I went to shower b4 night…hmmm so so so hard. With needle eat right hand…I only can use my left hand for everything. Brush my teeth, clean my ass, take shower, put shower gel on body, wear clothes. I nearly give up….. give up for my family near me.. no lover, no friend, no officemate…what I gonna do.. what a waste for me. Its was so hard and is I’m too useless person?

Then I just rest on bed after taking shower. Some patient comes to me and we talk a bit. Some of them offer bread but I’m not taking it because I’m worry about my sugar in blood. Because when I check in ward..they said my sugar in blood too high…i was surprised because I never take a lot of sugar. That’s why I’m not eat bread because I want make sure everything is alright when I’m in surgery. I just drink a lot of water. We hav nice talk….everyone tell their prblm….i’m so lucky because only hav teeth prblm. B4 sleep… the nurse wanna take my blood again for second trace if I hav any disease…..i’m good…thanks God.then I sleep…wake up couple time but still sleep well. Don’t want think too much for my surgery.

Start thinking of myself that night b4 surgery..i asking myself…what do you want in ur life? U not bad guy…. U can see around u..they with their partner, wife waiting… but u no one? Its was sad…… my answer is maybe its not right time for me to have a lover yet.i believe God is fair with everyone. N I’m crying in sleep.

So around 6am..i woke up like my yesterday newspaper..a kind of some book I bring from home. And taking shower, brush my teeth with my left hand. I try to learn from time to time. Its was ok…..was hard at beginning… least I do for myself. I’m fasting…so was jealous some people eating in front of me.the doctor said my turn maybe on 10am..but I’m waiting until 1pm. Its very pressure n stress because u waiting something u don’t know when. So when the nurse call my name…she wanna me change my clothes…no underwear. Hahha so shy…then I change at my bed….. lucky someone to help me…..i just lay down on surgery bed and they bring me to operation room.

Its cold place..smell of medicine….. listen kids crying with their mother. Soso scary. Then some nurse reading everything about me and asking me everything about. After that..they change me to another bed to real operation hall. At the operation hall..i’m half naked…..the put medicine in my hand…..put some stuff on my chest..for breathing machine I think…n I start breathing with machine..with open eyes..after few second I was sleep in operation.

The time I woke up is I remember my tears are moving on my eyes. And the nurse sweeps the tears by tissue. Its was amazing..i don’t know why I’m cry because I can’t remember everything. Then I moved my hand to tell nurse I’m here in this world. I try to speak because I’m too thirsty..but they not give water at all. They show me one ruler with number…tell them which number I like to tell them how painful u having now….. 1-15. 15 is too painful..i choose number 3. hahha no funny..i’m not feel pain actually..maybe because of the dose in my body. The nurses feel like strange…hahaha. They said waiting until I’m change no 2. I heard..i’m the longest to wake up that time. From 1pm until 6pm. Very long actually.

After few minute..they moved me to my ward…..i can’t move at all because I don’t hav energy. So the nurse helping me to move to my bed and my clothes too.i saw some patient in my ward but I only can give wave.then I fully recover around 9pm after my dentist come to see my mouth….i mean bleeding or not.he said I’m good condition and I asking my nurse to give me my phone. I changed the tissue in my mouth by my own because they seems very busy with their work… so I recover with myself.actually I listen what the doctor give instruction to make sure I’m not vomit, breathing well, can drink well, eat well, can pee. And the most important is I can walk. So I change my tissue in my mouth, start drink slowly and rest..i need energy…then after few hour..i wake up again drink again n refuse too nurse give me Milo…they supposed prepare for me.give me energy. Then I start walk take my own water because nobody helping me. So lucky without food more than 18 hours, I’m still strong…so amazing.i heard the doctor said..give me porridge..but they never prepare for me. Its make me cry on bed because nobody here for me. No bread, no porridge, only mineral bottle and 2 newspapaer. I was cry…what can I do..wish I hav lover..i mean it.

Then I start recover for myself walking slowly..go bathroom to pee n etc. I must do that to make sure I’m good condition. After 24 hour no food..i only hav my breakfast on Thursday morning. The day I’m discharge. That’s time no more tissue in my mouth….. smile like usual. miracle I’m not feel too painful…..taking shower n brush my teeth at front. Too smelly actually.

Then I need to see my dentist at dental department around 830am……. 1st time I’m usinf wheelchair and someone bring me to dental department. Hmmm thanks actually. At the dental very surprised because I’m recover so fast and strong too. She gave me medical leave until Friday, some medicine and pain killer if I feel painful.the doctor decided to discharge me from ward. That’s the best thing I have, so back to ward..change my clothes..smiling all the time because I will go home. Some people asking me if someone will come n take me…I said I just back by myself.

Then I arrived home…I realize its was hard thing ever I done in my life. I was lucky I hav nice house, quite, peaceful, garden, flower, and clean. 1st thing I do at home…give water to all my plant because they look weak also. Hehhe At home I hav breathing prblm..can’t eat like usual and I can’t stay in pressure. All need to do slowly and nicely.almost cry at home..n I start call mcdonald…order 3 large mcd chicken porridge. At same time I cooked chicken soup and porridge. All I done myself…. I’m happy someone called least. I don’t know how happy its is. At home watching some dvd I bought at Chinatown..and at night my friend come to visit me. Was a day for me. People always said..the medicine for sick people is support, love, happiness, passionate, attention. So happy I’m ready to recover slowly now..


Anonymous said...

Reading this made me feel happy n sad. Happy cos I could see you for a brief while after the op. Sad cos I could not bring you dinner on that nite being past after visit hours. Very happy that u recovered well.. Stay cheerful as always. Hugs!

Anonymous said...

posurm said...

Sakit apa arip? Buang gigi bongsu ker? Bgtau la..!!