There's always a smile on face but inside heart nobody knows

Friday, July 29, 2011

just a story......

I don’t want write this and I don’t want remember this moment because it’s was painful and suffer for me. But if I’m not write this people will never know what I felt, what I’ suffer n what I want in my life. Something complicated and difficult for me.

I know when 1st time I tell everyone I wanna go to hospital for teeth surgery. Everyone laughing, cheeky smile but they never know how painful it is.

Its was suddenly happen when I got call on Monday evening, the operator asking me if I can check in for hospital’s ward on Tuesday anytime. Of course I’m surprised and scared to. When I think about waiting my next turn..its will take long time. With government hospital u can’t easily deal with them. Its not like private hospital..u got money and u can do anytime u want. So I’m poor, that’s why I choose government hospital….a bit slow n the quality still there. At same time I don’t want do surgery at fasting month. Its might difficult also.

I just yes to the hospital’s operator, which is I will come tomorrow. i went to dental for check up 1st. to make sure I’m 100% healthy. That’s time my body shaking because I’m too scared n my feeling is mixed up. I don’t have anyone in kl to look after me. My family stay far, all my friend left kl already, my officemate busy with work..lover? of course I don’t have. So with who I need to ask help? Its already painful n I cry on the table at office…but I think positive n make myself strong. My mind start to manage well what should I least I’m not make others get prblm when I’m not at office and also at home.

1st thing I do is…. I printed out my teeth’s x-ray and I meet my boss 1st, because we running important project now. I was nervous and scare because we really in urgent time. I took time b4 I meet my bos..i talked with admin and account..if the boss can accept or not. I’m lucky I hav teeth x-ray….i stole it from my dentist with my phone.i met my boss and show the x-ray to him. At 1st time he surprised because he said I have good smile n with good teeth. He never know I’ll do surgery. Then I explain from A-Z, he accepted it. The funny thing is..he wanna see my teeth, so I just open my mouth. He said is ok..just pass what ever I’m doing to someone b4 I leaving. I’m lucky I was done my entire job at the morning. So its not prblm to me.

At least I have little hope or support for my surgery, because its took 3 or 4 day..medical leave. I called my sister because I need to inform her about my surgery also need to borrow her some money in case I need to pay extra. Then I remembered I’m lucky because I have saving to go paris…and again I’m using that money . so bad..what can I do……at least I’m not think bad about no money. Then I call others sister and mother. My mother laughing because she know I’m scared.yeah

The last day I’m at office…its was difficult for me to leaving office because that’s the last day I’m with old teeth..who know if I’m not go to office anymore….. i need to write some email for some friend and write something in facebook. My computer at home not so good. Just spent couple hour to inform friend…I’m gonna be at hospital few days.

I have last meal red meat fried rice that night and just go home. Supposedly I have date…..but seem its not works. So at home..packing some stuff but can’t sleep. I’m confuse need to bring some clothes or not because it’s different between gov and private hospital. U need to know rules. So I just bring some extra clothes.

On Tuesday, I went to dental department and meet my doctor, she smiling at me and took my blood for test .write a letter to hospital and I check in to ward 13. was funny because I’m look healthy but still enter the ward.the nurse just register my name and my bed is 28. lucky because my bed is just near the windows and I got KL tower scene.

The nurse wanna me change my clothes…..what? like prisoner. Hahha I told her..give me a minute I wanna buy some mineral bottle and news paper. She said ok..but not run from hospital. Hahha so funny. So I got 2 newspaper and one small mineral bottle. Changed my clothes, wearing my hospital’s name tag..its mean I can’t easily leave prisoner. Then I start my routine like as a patient.bored, pressure and sad also because u can see some people sick and painful too.

I just start reading my 2 newspaper until finish..still bored and I start wish I hav iphone. Hahha. At least I can read some news and on facebook. Then the “bius/dose doctor” calls my name to explain the procedure in operation. She asking me to give signature for everything in hospital like…they will give medicine for me to sleep, put wire in nose cross mouth to chest….breathing with machine. I was surprised and I never thought like that. I can’t step back because I’m in hospital already. So I just agree.its was scared for me. I don’t know with who I should share..make me a bit sad..really. I wanna cry but I just stop it.

The hospital gave me lunch…..although its simple but I love evening around 5pm until 7pm…..i start in pressure because it’s visiting hour. Some patient’s family comes over bring some food and visit them. I just sit on bed n watching. And I realize my tears moved. It’s was hard time for me. I moved my face to others side..crying n send sms to some friend. I’m still remembering I’m say sorry I share my sadness although they stay far. Then I got positive message. At least make me happy. Then the hospital gave us bread and tea at evening.

After taking bread..the nurse said…she wanna put needle in my hand because in surgery I might need extra blood or water. Wow oh my god so painful can’t move ur hand easily. I’m cry also because nobody can help u at this time. Then I took dinner around 6pm, tuesday. That’s the last food I taken until Thursday morning.the hospital wanna me fasting from 12am until my surgery. No water n no food. Its mean I only eat or drink b4 12midnite. I went to shower b4 night…hmmm so so so hard. With needle eat right hand…I only can use my left hand for everything. Brush my teeth, clean my ass, take shower, put shower gel on body, wear clothes. I nearly give up….. give up for my family near me.. no lover, no friend, no officemate…what I gonna do.. what a waste for me. Its was so hard and is I’m too useless person?

Then I just rest on bed after taking shower. Some patient comes to me and we talk a bit. Some of them offer bread but I’m not taking it because I’m worry about my sugar in blood. Because when I check in ward..they said my sugar in blood too high…i was surprised because I never take a lot of sugar. That’s why I’m not eat bread because I want make sure everything is alright when I’m in surgery. I just drink a lot of water. We hav nice talk….everyone tell their prblm….i’m so lucky because only hav teeth prblm. B4 sleep… the nurse wanna take my blood again for second trace if I hav any disease…..i’m good…thanks God.then I sleep…wake up couple time but still sleep well. Don’t want think too much for my surgery.

Start thinking of myself that night b4 surgery..i asking myself…what do you want in ur life? U not bad guy…. U can see around u..they with their partner, wife waiting… but u no one? Its was sad…… my answer is maybe its not right time for me to have a lover yet.i believe God is fair with everyone. N I’m crying in sleep.

So around 6am..i woke up like my yesterday newspaper..a kind of some book I bring from home. And taking shower, brush my teeth with my left hand. I try to learn from time to time. Its was ok…..was hard at beginning… least I do for myself. I’m fasting…so was jealous some people eating in front of me.the doctor said my turn maybe on 10am..but I’m waiting until 1pm. Its very pressure n stress because u waiting something u don’t know when. So when the nurse call my name…she wanna me change my clothes…no underwear. Hahha so shy…then I change at my bed….. lucky someone to help me…..i just lay down on surgery bed and they bring me to operation room.

Its cold place..smell of medicine….. listen kids crying with their mother. Soso scary. Then some nurse reading everything about me and asking me everything about. After that..they change me to another bed to real operation hall. At the operation hall..i’m half naked…..the put medicine in my hand…..put some stuff on my chest..for breathing machine I think…n I start breathing with machine..with open eyes..after few second I was sleep in operation.

The time I woke up is I remember my tears are moving on my eyes. And the nurse sweeps the tears by tissue. Its was amazing..i don’t know why I’m cry because I can’t remember everything. Then I moved my hand to tell nurse I’m here in this world. I try to speak because I’m too thirsty..but they not give water at all. They show me one ruler with number…tell them which number I like to tell them how painful u having now….. 1-15. 15 is too painful..i choose number 3. hahha no funny..i’m not feel pain actually..maybe because of the dose in my body. The nurses feel like strange…hahaha. They said waiting until I’m change no 2. I heard..i’m the longest to wake up that time. From 1pm until 6pm. Very long actually.

After few minute..they moved me to my ward…..i can’t move at all because I don’t hav energy. So the nurse helping me to move to my bed and my clothes too.i saw some patient in my ward but I only can give wave.then I fully recover around 9pm after my dentist come to see my mouth….i mean bleeding or not.he said I’m good condition and I asking my nurse to give me my phone. I changed the tissue in my mouth by my own because they seems very busy with their work… so I recover with myself.actually I listen what the doctor give instruction to make sure I’m not vomit, breathing well, can drink well, eat well, can pee. And the most important is I can walk. So I change my tissue in my mouth, start drink slowly and rest..i need energy…then after few hour..i wake up again drink again n refuse too nurse give me Milo…they supposed prepare for me.give me energy. Then I start walk take my own water because nobody helping me. So lucky without food more than 18 hours, I’m still strong…so amazing.i heard the doctor said..give me porridge..but they never prepare for me. Its make me cry on bed because nobody here for me. No bread, no porridge, only mineral bottle and 2 newspapaer. I was cry…what can I do..wish I hav lover..i mean it.

Then I start recover for myself walking slowly..go bathroom to pee n etc. I must do that to make sure I’m good condition. After 24 hour no food..i only hav my breakfast on Thursday morning. The day I’m discharge. That’s time no more tissue in my mouth….. smile like usual. miracle I’m not feel too painful…..taking shower n brush my teeth at front. Too smelly actually.

Then I need to see my dentist at dental department around 830am……. 1st time I’m usinf wheelchair and someone bring me to dental department. Hmmm thanks actually. At the dental very surprised because I’m recover so fast and strong too. She gave me medical leave until Friday, some medicine and pain killer if I feel painful.the doctor decided to discharge me from ward. That’s the best thing I have, so back to ward..change my clothes..smiling all the time because I will go home. Some people asking me if someone will come n take me…I said I just back by myself.

Then I arrived home…I realize its was hard thing ever I done in my life. I was lucky I hav nice house, quite, peaceful, garden, flower, and clean. 1st thing I do at home…give water to all my plant because they look weak also. Hehhe At home I hav breathing prblm..can’t eat like usual and I can’t stay in pressure. All need to do slowly and nicely.almost cry at home..n I start call mcdonald…order 3 large mcd chicken porridge. At same time I cooked chicken soup and porridge. All I done myself…. I’m happy someone called least. I don’t know how happy its is. At home watching some dvd I bought at Chinatown..and at night my friend come to visit me. Was a day for me. People always said..the medicine for sick people is support, love, happiness, passionate, attention. So happy I’m ready to recover slowly now..

Monday, July 25, 2011


riff is a course of music on a gutiar- a series of notes, and when people play an excellent sound on the guitar they say, "excellent riff" be continue soon

off to hospital

hmmm just got call from hospital..... need to enter ward to do minor operation..tomorrow until thursday.hmmm so scary n hmmmmm.....

souvenior from perth

1st time in my life i got toys....... i love bear.........given by patrice when he went to perth for job. nice kangaroo

gift from grecce

Sunday, July 24, 2011

dayak warrior

a souvenior from sarawak...given by patrice..... nice art work

small n cute

gift from my team's bos.. he left my company now. i missed him as good leader.

collisuem from italy

one of my friend went to italy with his friend. he bought me this day i wish i can go to the architecture..especially rome.....bought by chris. thanks chris

crystal bird from dubai

my office have branch at dubai and abu some staff working there. i asked my friend to buy some elephant also..but he bought this crystal.. anyway its cheap n look nice. i appreciate it.

no idea

my friend gave to me for my birthday, last year. i like too because its look cute n different from my collection.

elephant from bangkok

hmmm look stunning actually. my friend gave to me when i visited him at bangkok. i love it.... thanks john. like the colour and the detail on elephant...

my collection: small animal around lake

also from kenya/uganda

my collection: giraffe

my company have project at kenya/ uganda, so one of my officemate went there for meeting sometime. i asked him to buy some animal for me. i love elephant but too expensive there. he bought me 2 giraffe, like a mother with her kids. so cute, i like the pattern.


the last drawing block for painting..need to buy new u can imaging how many collection painting i have...i gave some to my friend around the world. my good friend, lovely friend, bad friend...naughty friend....yeah i'm glad to share something about me to them. a flower always make me happy.

triple tree

i suppose going to broga hill today..... but my officemate not so well..she got i just remembered the top of the hill..really like fly to heaven....its more nice if i put a gate to nature....


anthropology or human my objective . i always failed in human scale..i try my best to draw this.....the yellow colour supposedly bright..but look dark in this photo...enjoyed it..look sexy n hot too. need more practice for human body.

2 cat...comel n audrey

hmmm i always love to draw cat at this position...look lovely n sexy..... meow...thinking about my friend's cat..make me miss them.....comel and audrey

about me

my friend came to my house after we hav dinner at NZ restaurant, in front of klcc. i showed him my painting on wall n some collection. then he wanna me do painting live for him. what? hmmmm so i just think positive...yeah enjoy the painting..... he asked me to do painting about me..... so this the result....hahahha no comment........hope its look nice.a bit abstract

my latest painting

today i was so bored at home...kind of bad mood n try to use my time with something benefit for me although in my mind...i'm too bored. huhuh i want do something more than that......1 finished 4 painting n touch up the old one..... hope its make people like it.....weekend gone.....i miss that....

Friday, July 22, 2011


this morning on the way to office...suddenly my heart feeling missing to drive car. hmmmm was nice last time because i drove car to ikea, damansara, mont kiara, hulu langat, experience. although not my car...i was care the car like my own car. wash car at carwash every weekend. parking car at my friend's house...all nice...i miss driving.....i missed that time. hmm feeling a bit sad.

Thursday, July 21, 2011


everyday i always remembered what my friend said to me

" ariff, you owe something in ur life, pls give chance to urself which is might change ur life"

thats why, i brave to take action for the next step.

actually i'm not hoping anything, even i'm not expecting anything too.some my friend asked me

"ariff, do u make some research or explore what u will do" my answer is no.

until now i dont know....i only wish i have that chance...thats all

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

nice to see

always think about this word...very good meaning

"nice to see, once broken considered sold".

another word

"nice to see, nice to hold,but different soul"

always nice to see people around use...but i think we only can see...try to make contact me but never hav chance...yeah maybe different level, different taste and complicated. what to do..not all what we want..we can get it......thats why when i have chance i will make special for everything.

Monday, July 18, 2011

cute blondie family

last week on friday..i have lunch at bukit bintang, went by train with officemate. in train station saw one family with 6 blonde kids, cute n comel. ahaha seems thier mother gave birth 3 time but got 6 kids..its means she hav 3 twin.wowowowwwww so amazing..good genetic...look his father also hot.....mother to see the baby when they cute..huge family also.

cabin crew in royal jordanian

1st time using real flight, normally take airasia...lucky was stand one step between business class n economy class. saw beautiful cabin crew....hehhe..took some photo of her just to share....actually just transfer photo from phone..... miss travel again.

teeth story

I know it's too personal…put xray result.....but as information and knowledge I like to share what happen to my teeth..yeah can happen to everyone in this world. My doctor said is normal everywhere.

Last time I went to dental clinic just to check my teeth….. although look good at outside…but I hav carries prblm. After do scaling, my teeth become nicer n clean. Lucky for me because I do check-up with dentist after more than 10 year not meet dentist. Hehhe.

B4 the dentist do scaling, she already inform me..i need to do operation for my teeth..the last one behind….they growth not so good n will give me prblm. The doctor said for now…everything look ok but after 7 year maybe I will feel painful. The doctor suggest for me to take out 4 teeth(2 below, 2 above) as soon as possible….because in 10 years I might lost 8 teeth…because its effect another teeth. Hmmm that’s why I’m waiting my turn to do operation. Yeah I went to government hospital…more cheaper n reasonable price to do.

But 2 week ago… my teeth at behind make a prblm…arghhh so painful…at the beginning..i just think its normal…..after few day…its getting painful, so I called my sister..she said no need to go dentist..just buy medicine at Watson outlet..yeah I bought 2 type of medicine..but its not longer enough..the painful came back. i was busy with work..can’t easily take leave…. Finally I decided to see dentist….government clinic.. woke up at 5am..leave house at number 1 at ticket counter around 730am. 8am enter the room.Hehhee

The doctors do check-up…. She said don’t worry its normal….. I only felt pain for 1st, so must come after u felt pain many time…its normal..the teeth still young and still growth…i give u panadol and antibiotic…..WHAT I’m 26 la.? hahaha anyway its was painful…..i took the medicine for few day n now 100% no more pain. Thanks dentist n God.

One advice for everyone…if u hav same prblm..just wash ur mouth with warm salty water b4 sleep and after sleep. Its’ works… waiting turn to do operation…can’t like usall..way because my teeth close to eye, nose connection..might be dangerous..