There's always a smile on face but inside heart nobody knows

Friday, December 3, 2010

no title to put

Tonight is the last night I’m at kl for this week. Normally when I planned to go back hometown., my feeling will mixed up, curios, worry, confuse and fed up too. Its true….maybe I think too much. Yeah I’m worry n nervous take bus for long journey, tooks more than 10 hours. Fed up because just sit on bus, waiting the next bus and one more time to back kl. Yeah I should be happy with family…..spend time with them because they still alive…but I just not happy for my life. Work hard to continue life…its hard.

Eat alone, walk alone, watch movie alone, sleep alone, cooking alone, wake up alone…..go cinema alone. This week is really horrible…everyday is full work..some people take leave holiday n I need to finish double work, one of friend sick, so become triple…I just sit down on chair doing work n I saw at clock around 10pm or sometime 11pm….. back home..still alone…no sms, no call, just tv, sit on computer n saw photo…

Tonight I decided to watch movie at cinema because I afraid to be alone at home.i know its risk me, because u can see everything there. People holding hand, hugging at public, kissing in hall, coupling at the corner but me alone n cold…..yeah try myself happy but at same time hurt myself. People say out from tiger’s mouth but go in to crocodile’s mouth…for me…… what a waste guy.

I know I should thankful what I hav…..for example when my officemate got sick.. like rashed or look like chicken pox..she was cried…because she wanna be normal, go office and so on. I was cried too because how nice go to office with healthy body……I realize its nice…but I can’t compare with that because I’m at different situation. Work hard until I don’t hav time for myself…to hav friend, to talk, to sharing even more.

I know everyone busy with their life, same as me…but with billion people in this world..dont hav any one really for me? Yeah I stress now…everyday stress, n everyday tried hard to be positive, run from the truth…wish is I’m lonely…I afraid to face that…I afraid to to know real thing. Yeah I hav some friend…but what can I do….. if they just wanna meet for 1 hour, one per week, 1 time for 2 week, 1 hour for1 month, or once a year. Should I mad them? Should I blame them? Should I argue with them?

I shared with my friend, I do bad thing, fooling myself…but I don’t hav anything too, try be good also nothing, try be worst also nothing..i don’t know what I should do.i’m sad with myself. sometime really feel down, sometime at home crying in bathroom..thinking of myself…worry about myself, afraid, n wake up to be a human…but I feel down again. Honestly I don’t want write here…but only this way make me feel better. sometime better sharing with keyboard rather than to wait a friend come over.

Some people say why u should cry for nothing..unless u cry for lost family, religion……cry because make sin, cry because become bad person…..i don’t know. I just cry for myself…try to make me happy, try make myself better but I can’t be alone for the whole mt life….i really can’t.maybe I’m not mature or not strong enough

Finally, I can say Right now..i don’t care anymore if people put distance between me,its ok..u hav right to do that. I don’t know what to do…..bad feeling but its good to share, always hoping the next is bright day but always dark even darker for me.

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